Wednesday, October 14, 2009


I'd like to preface everything I'm about to say with stating very clearly that I love Family Guy. Family Guy is one of my favorite shows ever. There are times that I pop in my Family Guy DVDs and watch episode upon episode all day long. Not only do I watch the episodes, but I've also listened to every commentary track. It's not going too far to say, I really enjoy the show.

I think that with such a strong admiration for a show must come a certain amount of respect for its creator. Seth MacFarlane is a genius, pure and simple. He has one of the most finely tuned comedic minds of the 21st century.

All this being said....ENOUGH ALREADY!

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ! I get that Family Guy is a huge commodity for Fox. Since its rebirth, it has been the backbone of the scripted shows on the network. So, showing some faith in MacFarlane and friends, Fox greenlights American Dad...which is also highly enjoyable. American Dad is just different enough than Family Guy that you can watch both shows and not feel overloaded on MacFarlane's particular brand of humor. American Dad has also really come into its own as being a strong, standalone show that is consistently funny.

Then, there was the dismal and quickly cancelled The Winner...the Rob Corddry vehicle that was the first live action show of the bunch. Since it failed so quickly, it's hardly worth even mentioning, but its failure should've been an indicator to Fox that maybe too many projects would be stretching MacFarlane too thin.

Now, we have The Cleveland Show. This dreadful abortion should've been scrapped before anyone even thought to mention it out loud.

Fox's Sunday night is now as follows....The Simpsons, which literally hit its stride 16 years ago, followed by The Cleveland Show, Family Guy and American HOUR AND A HALF of Seth MacFarlane produced television shows. The problem is, The Cleveland Show, which is the lead-off batter for this lineup is actually hurting the other shows by sucking all the life out of the evening. They say lead with your best foot forward...well, MacFarlane is definitely leading with the weakest show which drags his other shows down with it.

The Cleveland Show is not good. It's hard for me to say that, as I really enjoyed the character on Family Guy....but on Family Guy he was good for what he was; a supporting character. The show has one, sometimes two laughs in the half hour. It's like they took all the things that weren't quite funny enough for Family Guy and put them in the B show. It takes everything that is NOT funny about MacFarlane's style, and packages it neatly and shoves it down your throat before presenting the main course that is Family Guy.

It's the equivalent of being forced to eat White Castle right before having Filet Mignon.

Before even getting to Family Guy, we're already left with a sour taste in our mouths for the style. The characters in Family Guy are rich and meaty...ripe for comedy. The writing is very often clever and the jokes are plentiful. The Cleveland Show just serves up stale, boring, carbon copies of the characters we already love. No matter how hard they try, Cleveland will never be able to say a line that could make you laugh as hard as Peter Griffin can. By the time you get to American Dad, it's like you've run a marathon of pop culture references and cutaway gags that just leaves you feeling worn out.

This all came to a head for me when I learned that MacFarlane would be getting his own live action special this November where he and fellow Family Guy voice actor Alex Borstein will be singing songs from Family Guy and acting out scenes from the show. That night will air as follows...

7:30PM - The Cleveland Show

8:00PM - Family Guy

8:30PM - Half Hour Family Guy Special

9:00PM - Family Guy

9:30PM - American Dad

I get it...the guy's talented....but when is it just too much of a good thing?

Friday, September 18, 2009

Going up?

Why the hell do people press the up and down button to call an elevator when they clearly only want to go one of those directions? I can't begin to tell you the amount of rage that courses through my veins when I'm on an elevator, the doors open and the person says, "Going up?"

No, you fucktard...and if you had only pressed the button for up I wouldn't be waiting here right now.

...And it's an awkward moment. The two of you standing there...staring at each other. One person seething, waiting for the doors to close. The other person casually trying to act like they're not the scum of the Earth...

I seriously do not understand the logic. Granted, an elevator may physically stop where you are faster if you press both buttons, but if it's going the wrong way what's the point? You're going to be standing there one way or the other. Let me go about my business you inconsiderate prick.

What's even worse is when the person decides they're gonna "Take the ride".

Seriously, I know it's confusing since it looks similar, but this isn't the Tower of Terror. I know with the level of intelligence we're dealing with in these people, it probably seems like magic. They step in a room, the doors close, and when they re-open they're magically transported to a new place....but it isn't Mr. Fuckin' Toad's Wild Ride. It's not even the great glass Wonkavator. There is no reason to "take a ride" on it. The people who utter that expression are the same ones who think that riding lawnmowers look fun.

Then you have to stand next to the person. That person who you hold so much resentment towards. That person who pressed both buttons. That stupid son of a whore.

I honestly and truly feel that the punishment for pressing both buttons should be losing a finger...the very finger that you used to press the button. It may be harsh, but it's the only way to get satisfaction.

I guess I just don't understand . Why would you do something repeatedly when time and time again the result doesn't prove beneficial? You are not getting to your destination any quicker by being impatient. Like the moral of the classic fable The Tortoise and the Hare imparts to us, "Slow and steady doesn't get you punched in the face by an angry fat guy."

Don't even get me started on people who push the button and then make you wait while they talk to someone....

They're assholes.

Huh...guess that's all I had to say about them.

Elevators are something we've come to take for granted in this modern era. Be considerate when you get on an elevator with someone, because if for some reason you should become trapped in the elevator with that person, they control whether or not you have to smell their farts until you're rescued.

Friday, September 4, 2009

A Roving Band Of Gallaghers

On my way home from work I encountered a smashed watermelon on the street.

I wish Bloomberg would get off his ass and fix the Gallagher problem in this city...

Times like these I wish Batman was real...

A Panda In The Laundry Room

A lot has happened since my last entry, but who cares about all that?

There was a panda in my laundry room earlier today.

Not in the literal sense, of course...I don't live in China where that sort of thing happens everyday.

I don't know why this event made my day so much. I went down and put clothes in the washer, and there was nothing out of the ordinary in the room. When I went back down to move the clothes to the dryer, there was a visitor in the room...

He was just there. Staring up at me. Smiling. I didn't know how to react, but for some reason I felt giggly. So, inevitably my time in the laundry room ended and I went back to my apartment and about my business. End of story, right? No no. When I went to work a few hours later, the Panda had somehow found its way out into the lobby and it was staring out the window into the streets of New York, yearning for the freedom it once had in the wild...

Again, I was absolutely tickled by this. I have no idea why, but something about that Panda gave me hope for a brighter future for mankind. I wanted to make the Panda my own, but since our first encounter had been in the laundry room of my building I suspected it was less than cleanly.

Now, since we're hetero lifemates I sent these pictures to Ryan, who was understandably a bit confused. How could anyone understand my joy at simply seeing a stuffed Panda lounging around our apartment building...but sure enough a few hours later when he got home and I was at work I received the following picture...

That was the view from outside. The panda was still there, staring out into the New York evening...probably thinking of bamboo.

When I got home, the Panda was gone. Part of me knows that someone probably came along and threw him out, but another part of me has hope. Hope that somehow the panda got out, back into the wild...and even now he's slowly meandering through the streets of NYC...looking for that next sweet piece of bamboo. It's a fanciful dream, but I have hope...hope in the eyes of a panda.