Friday, September 18, 2009

Going up?

Why the hell do people press the up and down button to call an elevator when they clearly only want to go one of those directions? I can't begin to tell you the amount of rage that courses through my veins when I'm on an elevator, the doors open and the person says, "Going up?"

No, you fucktard...and if you had only pressed the button for up I wouldn't be waiting here right now.

...And it's an awkward moment. The two of you standing there...staring at each other. One person seething, waiting for the doors to close. The other person casually trying to act like they're not the scum of the Earth...

I seriously do not understand the logic. Granted, an elevator may physically stop where you are faster if you press both buttons, but if it's going the wrong way what's the point? You're going to be standing there one way or the other. Let me go about my business you inconsiderate prick.

What's even worse is when the person decides they're gonna "Take the ride".

Seriously, I know it's confusing since it looks similar, but this isn't the Tower of Terror. I know with the level of intelligence we're dealing with in these people, it probably seems like magic. They step in a room, the doors close, and when they re-open they're magically transported to a new place....but it isn't Mr. Fuckin' Toad's Wild Ride. It's not even the great glass Wonkavator. There is no reason to "take a ride" on it. The people who utter that expression are the same ones who think that riding lawnmowers look fun.

Then you have to stand next to the person. That person who you hold so much resentment towards. That person who pressed both buttons. That stupid son of a whore.

I honestly and truly feel that the punishment for pressing both buttons should be losing a finger...the very finger that you used to press the button. It may be harsh, but it's the only way to get satisfaction.

I guess I just don't understand . Why would you do something repeatedly when time and time again the result doesn't prove beneficial? You are not getting to your destination any quicker by being impatient. Like the moral of the classic fable The Tortoise and the Hare imparts to us, "Slow and steady doesn't get you punched in the face by an angry fat guy."

Don't even get me started on people who push the button and then make you wait while they talk to someone....

They're assholes.

Huh...guess that's all I had to say about them.

Elevators are something we've come to take for granted in this modern era. Be considerate when you get on an elevator with someone, because if for some reason you should become trapped in the elevator with that person, they control whether or not you have to smell their farts until you're rescued.

Friday, September 4, 2009

A Roving Band Of Gallaghers

On my way home from work I encountered a smashed watermelon on the street.

I wish Bloomberg would get off his ass and fix the Gallagher problem in this city...

Times like these I wish Batman was real...

A Panda In The Laundry Room

A lot has happened since my last entry, but who cares about all that?

There was a panda in my laundry room earlier today.

Not in the literal sense, of course...I don't live in China where that sort of thing happens everyday.

I don't know why this event made my day so much. I went down and put clothes in the washer, and there was nothing out of the ordinary in the room. When I went back down to move the clothes to the dryer, there was a visitor in the room...

He was just there. Staring up at me. Smiling. I didn't know how to react, but for some reason I felt giggly. So, inevitably my time in the laundry room ended and I went back to my apartment and about my business. End of story, right? No no. When I went to work a few hours later, the Panda had somehow found its way out into the lobby and it was staring out the window into the streets of New York, yearning for the freedom it once had in the wild...

Again, I was absolutely tickled by this. I have no idea why, but something about that Panda gave me hope for a brighter future for mankind. I wanted to make the Panda my own, but since our first encounter had been in the laundry room of my building I suspected it was less than cleanly.

Now, since we're hetero lifemates I sent these pictures to Ryan, who was understandably a bit confused. How could anyone understand my joy at simply seeing a stuffed Panda lounging around our apartment building...but sure enough a few hours later when he got home and I was at work I received the following picture...

That was the view from outside. The panda was still there, staring out into the New York evening...probably thinking of bamboo.

When I got home, the Panda was gone. Part of me knows that someone probably came along and threw him out, but another part of me has hope. Hope that somehow the panda got out, back into the wild...and even now he's slowly meandering through the streets of NYC...looking for that next sweet piece of bamboo. It's a fanciful dream, but I have hope...hope in the eyes of a panda.